Developing Sexual Maturity
‘Awakening out of experiencing love as an expression of unresolved bonding and realising Surrendered Love’
Unconscious Sexuality & Sexual Addiction – This is the state of sex where unresolved trauma is unconsciously driving our sexual impulses and we are bringing little to no awareness to that, from this state of unconsciousness we seek out partners with similar psychological issues so that we can remain as comfortable as possible. This state of sex is symbolized by an unrealized heart, the heart at this frequency of sex is frozen and mostly inactive, its certainly less active than the root chakra. This state of sex is primarily pleasure seeking and strongly goal oriented. All levels of Unconscious Sexuality are on the addiction spectrum. This state of sex is underscored by the culture of unconscious objectification that is driven by unresolved bonding trauma. At this level of awareness we get identified in feelings of deep longing that are associated with unresolved bonding trauma and we call this ‘love’. Its symptoms include the need to feel constant closeness with our sexual partner, lack of trust in our attachment with them, feelings of insecurity and jealousy dominating our behaviours. At this level of ‘love’ there are also unconscious loyalties to the suffering of others driving our attachment needs. In the work of Surrendered Sexuality we work on learning new ways to support ourselves and each other that transcend the addiction spectrum so that we can begin relating in new and progressive ways.
Healing Sexuality – This is a state of sex where the heart is basically ready to come online and begin transforming sex, there is a willingness to be and express vulnerability but there is also a need for our partner to provide ‘safe space’ in order that this can happen which means there is dependency on one another. This state of sex is experienced as a state of chaos, a kind of sexual adolescence. It is both fragmented and provides access to temporary states of oneness and bliss. Since this state of sex is like a bridge between the broken heart and the open heart, both frequencies of brokenness and openness can be found represented here in this realm. The partners we attract out of this state of sex will more than likely demonstrate strong similarity with the patterns from our family past yet at the same time they will also demonstrate a basic degree of capacity for moving beyond those patterns and being true to who they are, so there is as much possibility to be drawn back into old patterns as there is also the possibility for healing and growth together. Often both are happening at different times in the relationship. Neither partner in this state of sex has developed any deep consistency and congruence in their relationship to their true selves, so there is a tendency for erratic patterns of flipping between acting out, experiencing unresolved feelings from the past & new insightful states of self awareness. Relationships that are rooted in this state of sex are vehicles of great transformation but have a tendency to not last very long unless both partners can begin transcending into a state of Surrendered Sexuality together.
Surrendered Sexuality – The terms Surrendered Sexuality & Surrendered Love are interchangeable. They mean exactly the same thing for if Surrendered Sexuality is not pure fluid open love then it is not fully surrendered.
In Surrendered Sexuality I am no longer seeking anything or anyone outside of myself to make it safe for me. I have an internalised sense of safety and security. In Surrendered Love I am connected to everything in existence, I am completely unidentified, I am nothing and I am everything all at once. I am the beauty of the sky and the sun as it disappears beyond the horizon and to experience this is no different than the experience of disappearing into physical union with the other. There is no longer separation between sex, nature and my experience of the present moment, I am at one with all of it. My heart and sex are no longer separate entities, I am fully alive, sensitized, innocent. This state of being is pure Meditation, total Tantra. There is no hidden agenda, no goal to achieve, no power to abuse, we are all the same being just dissolving into the experience of unadulterated beauty. In this state of being everything just happens, we are not controlling anything and we have no need to, not unless we touch our limits again then we express our need, let ourselves be held in deep embrace and dissolve once more into the beauty of surrendered love, ever deepening, there is no end to it.
A Lens for looking deeper at our own state of sexual consciousness
Each of these stages in sexual growth are not to be taken too literally, they are simply a lens for seeing things more clearly. Everyone is identified in every one of these stages, the process of development is not totally linear, we are human, we pendulate backwards and forwards, building congruence over time through the different stages of sexual experience. In different periods of our lives we will recognise that the order changes in terms of which states we feel more rooted in at any given time. Of course the more capacity and consciousness that is cultivated, the stronger the relationship we will have with the state of Surrender but maintaining this organic relationship is an ongoing task.
If you are really into TANTRA and Conscious Sexuality…don’t be delluded
Also I want to speak to the people who think they are living fully in Surrendered Love and have totally transcended the other two. You are deluding yourselves. We ALL have our limits, core trauma and a relationship with the pain body. The deeper we inhabit the experience of surrender and beauty, the more likely it is that we are driven towards our painful edges and then we begin naturally pendulating into Healing Sexuality in order to integrate something further. If in the moment we touch this painful edge we don’t have the available resources to transition through it then we will more than likely find ourselves in some degree of addiction as way of surviving until a later moment when we may find better access to our resources again. We are all human, all of the time.
I offer online sessions in Surrendered Coaching. For more info click here